


my new heart

by amiavegetable



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Canon Compliant, Friendship, Himchan needs a hug, Multi, Non AU, OT6, slight injury, wake me up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 08:12:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10330139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amiavegetable/pseuds/amiavegetable
Summary: Yongguk is back. The group is complete again. Himchan will just have to deal with his own shit to keep it that way.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i felt compelled to write this in the light of recent unfortunate events but there are probably exaggerated dramatizations and slight factual deviations in this so let's just use the good old artistic purposes excuse
> 
> i wrote this instead of doing homework also it's unbetaed lol enjoy

Promotion days are always a bit of a haze. The first stage is a well-rehearsed and fine-tuned matter, because when you've been in the industry as long as they have, you know what things need special attention, extra-extra training, past 8PM coffee. The first impression is what counts the most. The second stage is where you're allowed a first tiny breather, a change of outfits into varieties of rosé and pink confetti spraying from the ceiling as if they've already won first place. (They haven't. Not _yet_.) The third stage is where things fall into place, the lines are clear, the fans and the cameras know what to expect. It's all about continuity after that, not dropping the ball or the pitch or the image. Keeping up the pace without stumbling.

Himchan knows this routine like a map etched into the very core of his memory. It's a little different every time, sure- there's a different song, and different notes and lyrics and responsibilities. Last time they didn't have Yongguk, and having to remap his muscle memory with the eyes and shoulders of a leader stays one of the harder things he's done in his life.

This time, Yongguk is back, and for the first three stages promoting seems almost _easy._ They all stood in for the amount of symbolism their choreography has this time and it feels good to see the fans' reactions, evolving from worry to understanding to relief to awe. Somehow, it makes everything feel more in tune than it did all of last year.

And then Himchan stumbles.

"Hey, are you okay?", Youngjae asks, having heard the quiet hiss escaping Himchan's lips when they break up the pose for the obligatory social media group photo. Their dressing room at SBS has mostly cleared out, a few staff members still rushing to pack up. The harsh light from light bulbs surrounding the makeup mirrors catches in Youngjae's fringe, stinging in Himchan's eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine", he rasps, trying to keep his breath even.

Youngjae frowns. He isn't buying it, and Himchan knows he isn't. Acting was never one of his greatest talents. He sees how Youngjae opens his mouth to say something and realises with sudden clarity the same moment Youngjae stops mid-motion that he was about to call his, Himchan's, name for help. Because Himchan is the one to take care of everyone, even Yongguk. Especially Yongguk. Youngjae awkwardly closes his mouth, uncertainty creeping onto his face. Himchan would laugh if breathing alone didn't hurt so much.

"Okay, maybe I'm not so fine", he says, more out of sympathy for Youngjae than for himself. Their manager's assistant, sweeping past them while sifting through the papers on her clipboard, catches the end of the sentence.

"What's wrong?", she asks with professional concern. Her hand on his arm feels small and cold. Himchan looks at his feet.

"Nothing, just, ah-" He bites his lip. "Hurts when I breathe. It started a few hours ago."

She removes her hand. "Where?"

"My ribcage. Mostly on the right side."

She nods. Her clipboard sits forgotten in the crook of her arm while she quickly taps on speed-dial on her phone. Himchan closes his eyes.

"Jesus", Youngjae mutters next to him. "I can't believe you did the entire choreo and all the reruns and didn't _say_ anything."

"Wait, what?", he hears Daehyun say, followed by some rustling. The others have caught up. Himchan sighs (it hurts) and opens his eyes again. The rest of the group has gathered around him in a loose circle, hair falling out of its sprayed stage form and faces soft.

The assistant pockets her phone and tucks the clipboard against her side. "You'll be going with me", she says, looking him straight in the eyes. "We'll get you to the hospital."

"I'll be fine", Himchan says before anyone else can open their mouth. He tries to sound as reassuring as possible. "Don't worry, okay? I'll be back tonight."

He keeps his back straight as he follows the assistant's quick steps outside, registering with half a mind Youngjae's voice, updating the others. The assistant leads him to a car with blackened windows a few steps off the main entrance, avoiding fans and cameras. Getting into the car hurts.

Shit, Himchan thinks, leaning back against the leather of his seat. _Shit_.

 

Junhong opens the door before Himchan quite has the chance to finish punching the code into the keypad.

"Hyung!", he says, standing a little too close for comfort. Himchan has watched him grow into his lanky limbs over the years, but it's funny how he still doesn't seem to have a sense for where his body ends and another person's space begins. "How are you feeling?"

Himchan gives him a small smile. "I'll be fine", he repeats his words from earlier.

The others are in the living room. When he enters, everyone stops talking and turns their heads to him. Himchan feels a little ridiculous.

Junhong is still hovering at his side. "So?", he asks, tone cautious.

Himchan sits down. "I'll be fine. It's a- it's a stress fracture on one of my ribs, nothing serious. Apparently there was too much strain on my ribcage because of all the sudden practice and weight loss."

Daehyun winces a little. The others look sympathetic. It's a common issue among idols, just that most people take care of themselves so things like this don't happen. Himchan has always thought he _was_ one of those people.

Jongup, surprisingly, speaks first. "One of the backup dancers knows our parts of the choreography pretty well", he says. "Did Manager Kang say anything about-"

"No", Himchan interrupts him, "I'll continue promoting. No, listen- I can take care of myself." He pauses, ignoring the obvious plot hole in his speech. "I can take care of myself. It's only been four days, we're finally all together again. I'm not gonna interfere with that."

Junhong fidgets at his side. There are lines around Yongguk's mouth that weren't there before. Himchan takes a deep breath. "I talked to Manager Kang. I can stand on stage, or at the side during the chorus, sing my parts." He turns to Jongup. "We'll probably still need that extra dancer. He can fill my position while I'm at the sidelines."

He keeps his eyes trained on Yongguk. Last year, it was Himchan who had to do what he has to do next, give his last word when it comes to decisions within the group, keep everything in order. He hopes Yongguk knows that Himchan has stepped back again since he's been back with them, hopes that Yongguk knows his worth.

Yongguk straightens out his face. "Fine", he says. "It's your decision."

Himchan leans back, feeling relieved. He knows he doesn't have to, it's not Yongguk's position to refuse what Manager Kang has already agreed to.

And yet. Yongguk is back. The group is complete again. Himchan will just have to deal with his own shit to keep it that way.

 

Come the next morning, he isn't so sure anymore. Breathing hurts, moving hurts. Even sitting still hurts. He manages a wave to the fans waiting in front of the MBC building, secretly glad for Daehyun distracting them by generously giving out smiles and spraying his charm everywhere.

Junhong resumes his role from yesterday and stays lazing around at his side when he's done with makeup while one of the stylist tugs at Himchan's hair. It's strangely relaxing.

"All the fans are asking about you", Junhong says, tapping away at his phone. "TS released a statement yesterday, they're worried."

Himchan hums in lieu of a nod to not disturb the hairdresser's work. He's gotten messages from friends and family all morning, and heaps of comments on his social media. It slightly alleviates the sting in his chest every time he breathes.

"Hey." Junhong is poking his arm. The grin on his face is puckish and it makes him look so _young._ Himchan's heart hurts a little. "Which one was your favorite?"

"My favorite condolence message?" Junhong nods.

"Well. Ilhoon made a butt joke."

Junhong throws his head back and laughs. Himchan grins weakly. "Haven't heard that one in years."

 

The fourth stage is a subdued one for him. He takes his spot in the starting formation as usual but steps aside as soon as the choreography involves more moving than standing. They gave him directions where to stand so the cameras can still find him but he still feels useless standing there half off-stage like a lamp post. A singing lamp post, but still.

Yongguk gives him a small nod of solidarity between the runs and Himchan suddenly remembers that for Yongguk, this promotion period means a lot of standing at the sidelines. There are a few seconds where Yongguk waits for his cue next to him, his presence warm and solid outside of the stage lights, focused and strong.

 _So that's what it feels like, huh_ , he thinks watching Daehyun lead the choreography through the pick up in tempo during the first part of the chorus, somewhat bitter, somewhat touched.

Yongguk waits for him when they walk off the stage. He doesn't say anything, but he lets Himchan walk ahead so he leaves last.

"Maybe we're getting too old for this", Himchan half-jokes, his voice low so only Yongguk can hear. Yongguk grants him a small quirk of his lips. "Aren't you getting a bit ahead of yourself here?"

Himchan huffs and Yongguk breathes out a quiet laugh. Himchan feels a little better.

 

He wakes up in the dark. His right side feels like it's on fire. The alarm clock on his night desk blinks 4.59AM.

Daehyun is in the kitchen. After so many years of living together, even notorious late riser Himchan knows that Daehyun is a morning person in the most extreme sense. It fits his energetic personality in ways the boyish vibe he gives off doesn't. It's hard to describe, but the first time Himchan met Daehyun he'd thought that he was the incarnation of the teenage boy cliché, the ridiculously fast metabolism and endless sleeping hours included. He'd been right about everything except for the sleeping- Daehyun was, and is, a happy early riser.

He doesn't seem surprised when Himchan quietly joins him at the kitchen table, just points at the steaming mug in his hands. "Want some?"

Himchan shakes his head, trying to grasp why the motion hurts his ribs. That doesn't even make _sense_.

"Couldn't sleep."

Daehyun nods, fingers curled around the mug. He's wearing a gray hoodie two sizes too big on him, the contours of his face soft and calm in the dim light. For all his noise and energy during the day, the early morning has him seem almost mature.

"Don't worry so much", Daehyun says as if he's read his thoughts. "It's just a few days. We'll be fine."

Himchan closes his eyes, thinks of Manager Kang's stern words after yesterday's performance. It's not that Himchan did _badly_ or anything. It's the ghost of the past, the lawsuit, the company's delicate image, and oh yeah, the concern about Himchan's health. The upcoming tour that _needs_ Himchan well and functioning on his two feet. It's a rational and justified decision to make. Himchan still feels like shit about it.

Under the table, Daehyun shoves his foot against his. "Stop it, okay? It's not like you're pausing for _months_ -"

He halts. Himchan purses his lips. Yongguk's name hangs in the room like an ominous unwanted hologram. Daehyun grimaces.

"I didn't mean it like that. I meant like, you're pausing, but you're still with us. And you'll be back on stage with us within a week. It's not the end of the world."

Himchan looks down at his hands. Daehyun kicks him again, harder this time. "C'mon, don't be so condescending. You don't need to do everything on your own all the time."

It's a strange way of trying to cheer Himchan up, reassuring him by criticizing, but somehow it works. So what, he holds against himself, maybe he can take a few days off.

He points his chin at Daehyun's hands. "Do you still have some of that tea?"

 

Having a whole day off right in the middle of promotions is so unusual that it just feels plain wrong. Manager Kang calls at eight, rightly assuming that he's up and awake, telling him to get the fuck back to bed and rest. So Himchan spends the entire morning in bed, staring at the green digits of his alarm clock moving on without him.

Jongup texts at noon. _The BTOB hyungs came visit us in the dressing room, asking about you. Told them you were sleeping all day and they got soo jealous!_

_You are sleeping though, right._

_Go to bed, Himchan._

_I am sleeping,_ Himchan texts back, hoping Jongup reads it as passive-aggressively as he means it. The reply comes two minutes later. _Great!_

Himchan sighs. After all those years, he still doesn't know if Jongup has somehow outsmarted all of them all this time or if sarcasm is just a concept lost on him.

He texts again after Himchan has turned on the TV and started watching the broadcast of today's performances and feeling sincerely shitty about it.

_Are you excited for our tour? Because I am!!_

_We're gonna meet all our fans! And see all the cool places in Europe!!_

Himchan looks at the exclamation marks and smiles at Jongup's enthusiasm. He starts to type out a reply when another message pops up on his screen with a bright _ping_.

_And we're gonna do it together. You and me and the others, all of us._

Himchan stills. Jongup, for all of Himchan's sarcasm he chooses to let roll off his shoulders, sometimes has moments where he knows exactly the right words to say.

His phone pings again. _By the way, I'm doing your parts._

 _What the hell, Moon Jongup_ , he texts back.

_:)_

Himchan puts his phone away and scrubs his hands over his face. On the screen, Mark from Got7 announces B.A.P.

 

The fifth stage is a good one. Himchan leans back and watches his group stand together for the final pose of the choreography, and finds himself thinking that they'll be just fine.

 

**Author's Note:**

> bap deserve all the happiness in the world goodbye
> 
> -> [wake](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bp1p6JuCANk) [me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JizSHp6p3uk) [up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ku_FYERiHC8)


End file.
